Tank Top Tuesday

Finally, the first Tank Top Tuesday of the year. Bet you thought I was holding out on you. But, like with every first of a new year – let alone decade – I wanted to make sure I made it count. So today features only T3 first-timers. No repeat performers, just newbies in all their clingy, sleevless goodness. How I’ve managed to not post pictures of these beautiful women in tank tops for this long is quite possibly a crime. But, regardless, they’re in now. And as the lovely, not at all reptilian, completely take me to your leader worthy Morena Baccarin will attest, they’re all well worth the wait.

Alyssa MilanoLast week Alyssa challenged corporations to match her $50,000 donation to Haitian earthquake relief efforts. Who’s the boss now?

Kerry WashingtonKerry and Kristin Chenoweth might make out soon for the biopic of Dusty Springfield. Sons of a preacher man have got nothing on her.

Patricia ClarksonI love her. I hate myself for not posting her sooner.

Christina CoxNow we know why astronauts get all the girls: tank tops. And you thought it was the Tang.

Nina DobrevI swear to Buffy, “The Vampire Diaries” is good. Not Buffy good, of course, but good.

Lea MicheleThat’s an awfully silly thing to do to a tank top. Not that I’m necessarily complaining.

Ruby RoseGod bless Twitpics.

Elizabeth Banks

I’m sorry, were we talking about something? I seem to have lost my train of thoug…

SGALGG: Golden Globes Edition

Award season means one thing. No, not a run on seaweed wraps and protein shakes in the greater Los Angeles area. It means its SGALGG time. And thanks to its free-flowing alcohol, the Golden Globes are usually an excellent breeding ground for Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals behavior. Consider it SGALGGGG. Let Lea Michele, Jenna Ushkowitz and Dianna Agron will show everyone how it’s done.

Jeanne Tripplehorn & Drew BarrymoreI think Drew is confused about how to give a proper hickey.

Mo’Nique & Nicole KidmanIn my head, Mo’Nique has made a filthy proposition to Nicole and Nicole is, well, seriously considering it.

Anna Paquin & Deborah Ann WollNow if Sookie and Jessica were an item instead of boring old Bill, maybe I’d watch “True Blood.”

Suzy Amis & Sigourney WeaverYou do not know how much I wish Sigourney would put her arm around me like that.

Amy Poehler & Tina FeyTheir shows didn’t win anything. So I’ll let Amy comfort my wife in special, private ways for the night.

Leslie Bibb & Molly SimmsEither a SGALGG moment or the beginning of Hands Across America.

Lisa Edelstein & Olivia WildeLisa is totally giving Olivia a fuck me face. Can you blame her?

Olivia Wilde & unknown guestI commend this lady’s desperate attempts to get SGALGGy with Olivia. Can you blame her?

Naya Rivera & Heather MorrisBrittana lives!

BONUS: Critics’ Choice Movie Awards SGALGG

Meryl Streep & Sandra Bullock
Kissing it out is the new hugging it out. Pass it on.

p.s. Anyone know who that lady was who was part of a very GGALGG moment with Jane Lynch at the Golden Globes? Inquiring lesbians want to know.

UPDATE: Mystery solved! Though no small amount of stalking sleuthing, I (with help from an army of nosy lesbians) was able to discover that Jane Lynch did indeed bring her girlfriend, Lara Embry, to the Golden Globes, kissed her girlfriend when Glee won and plans to wed her girlfriend in May. Mazel tov, ladies. [Hat tip, Andrea, Jst_a_Grrl, Rachel and — of course — The Linster!]

My Weekend Crush

Back when I first saw Marlee Matlin in “Children of a Lesser God,” I remember being impressed. How could you not be? In her film debut she pretty much blew the doors off in a raw yet vulnerable performance that earned her an Oscar at the age of only 21. Through the years she has worked steadily. She had her own TV series for two seasons, “Reasonable Doubts,” and regular roles on “Picket Fences,” “The West Wing” and – of course – “The L Word.” While at times Jodi Lerner was a difficult character to like (like all of the sixth season), Marlee is immediately likable. Energetic, passionate and resolute, she has a positive outlook that can be infectious. Marlee reminds us that our limitations are not our limits. Yes, a deaf actress can go on “Dancing with the Stars” and not just do well, but be impressive. Marlee also continues to champion causes she believes in from The Children Affected by Aids Foundation to Red Cross (which she has been promoting heavily along with other relief efforts for Haiti on her Twitter feed). All that and she got to make out with Jennifer Beals. Like I was saying, impressive. Happy weekend, all.

God bless the child

When the homes fall down and the hospitals fall down and the presidential palace falls down, it puts everything in our lives in instant perspective. The earthquake that ripped through Haiti this week has left rubble, dust, blood and tears in its wakes. The call for help has gone out across the globe, though every technology available. Literally, you can now just lift one finger to help by texting 90999 with the message “HAITI” to donate $10 to the Red Cross. It’s so easy, it almost feels like cheating.

Celebrities have rallied support, the President has pledged support. Hillary Clinton called the level of devastation “biblical.” I don’t pray to any particular god, but I’ve asked the universe to help those hurt, scared and alone. More than 100,000 souls feared lost, maybe some 3 million more in desperate need.

In times like this when the enormity of the world’s suffering come crashing down around us, I’m reminded why I look to entertainment in the first place. Diversion. Joy. Meaning. Beauty. We can’t always find one, let alone all of them, in the things we consume. But sometimes, if we’re really lucky, the art we enjoy takes us through a rabbit hole of imagination and back again to the other side to make our waking lives more vivid and clear. We can’t ever escape the world’s problems, but maybe we can understand them just a little bit better.

HOW TO HELP.

I’m with Coco

Look, middle-aged white men aren’t the focus of this blog. I know that. That has not changed. But this Conan/Leno late night clusterfuck is so crazy and absurd and, in a way, insulting that it begs comment.

First, let us establish the ground rules. I am on Team Conan.

I’ve always enjoyed his brand of off-kilter, geeky smarts. Also, that hair. But now that he has given a definitive “No!” to NBC’s lunatic idea of pushing “The Tonight Show” to 12:05 a.m. (which would no longer make it “Tonight” and instead need to be called “Tomorrow”) to accommodate a half hour of Jay Leno, I’m on Team Conan for life. That has to be one of the one of the classiest “Fuck Off” letters ever written.

What I can’t understand, even for a moment, is how NBC would trade its past for its future. Johnny Carson, who held the chair for 30 years, retired at age 66. Leno, who hosted the show for 17 years, will be 60 in April. Conan, who had the job for seven months, is 46. Squeezing maybe five more years out of Jay at the expense of decades worth of comedy with Conan is, well, idiotic. Beyond idiotic.* This is no short-term investment.

But then, NBC is a network that defines every cliché of dumbassery. Putting Leno on at 10 p.m. five nights a week was an experiment we all knew would end badly. The same old thing but earlier is not a successful programming strategy. But now, instead of admitting failure they’re doubling down on a time machine to solve their problems.

Granted, the new Tonight Show wasn’t totally clicking with me yet. L.A. Conan had lost a certain edge and unpredictability. But it’s really hard to judge something like this after only half a year. “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” wasn’t an immediate hit either. But he grew into it and I had every confidence he’d do the same with Tonight.

But now, I guess not.

Look, Jay Leno signed a contract with NBC until 2004. He could have demanded a longer contract. He could have left the network after his reign ended. But he stayed and in the process helped to bring the whole damn house down.

I watch three shows on NBC: “30 Rock,” “Parks and Recreation” and “Chuck.” Sure, I catch the ever-present Law & Order” now and then, but almost exclusively in rerun. It as far as the rest of their primetime lineup goes, it’s a wasteland (apologies to “The Office & “Community,” – you’re good but Thursdays are brutal and I can only catch up on so much). Even after this whole sorted mess is over, I will still watch those shows.

But it’s just another reminder that if we wait for big corporations to do the smart and ethical thing, the only things left of our once mighty civilization will be cockroaches and Jay Leno.

[* Offending idiot comments removed with apologies.It was not my intent to be hurtful to anyone but the idiots at NBC.]

p.s. Thank you for indulging my pop culture philosophizing on dumb boy drama. To express my gratitude, please enjoy Olivia Wilde in her underwear. It’s the least I could do.

NOTE: Olivia has been very active since the earthquake happened in Haiti, raising awareness and relief funds to the devastated area via her Twitter account. Hot and socially conscious. Score.

Do you want me to seduce you

So, my suspicions have been confirmed. “Chloe” does look good, like mindfuck and the more, um, traditional kind of fuck good. From its first (and French) trailer, the Atom Egoyan drama featuring Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson and Amanda Seyfried is quite promising. And not just for the very special naked time Julianna and Amanda appear to spend together. [Note: That means its NSFW folks, so watch appropriately.]

Normally, I’m not that into the other woman kinds of thrillers (think “Obsessed,” otherwise known as the movie where Beyonce headbutts a bitch). But with a cast this caliber and Egoyan’s penchant for dark, thoughtful material, I’m sold. Granted, the aforementioned very special naked time does help.

And, as I also mentioned before, I’m excited about the chance to see Amanda be bad – as in “you’ve hired me to seduce your husband to catch him in an affair and report back on each encounter in increasingly graphic detail while I also seemingly get it on with you”-bad.

Even though I have a sneaking suspicion this will all end very badly, it’s going to be a heck of a ride getting there.

Fuck it

Do not let those motherfuckers fool you; sometimes you need to swear. That’s right, goddammit, I’m talking about cursing. It’s natural, necessary even. I’ve always thought that purposely exchanging perfectly good profanity with sanitized substitutes in the company of other adults is kind of, well, bullshit. Around kids? Keep it clean. At work? Probably not appropriate. But otherwise, shit yeah. Piss off, puritans. Granted, there are words I don’t use. Hurtful, hateful words. Sexist, sadistic language. No thanks. But there is something so satisfying, so supremely expressive about just saying fuck when you really mean it. And on a day like today when the full reality of being back to work (that first week after a vacation is a blur of catching up and settling back) and the long, cold, gray slog ahead before the next break becomes all too apparent, you’d better believe I mean it. In substitute, please enjoy Portia de Rossi and the rest of “Better Off Ted” really meaning it, too. Mondays, they can fucking suck it.

[Clearly, language is NSFW so, headphones.]

And, just in case you didn’t watch the two-hour premiere of “Chuck” last night, here is one more reason to swear. I know. Fuck.

That, my friends, is the 1:14 mark of last night’s episode. So you won’t miss anything equally juicy, be sure to tune in tonight for a new episode as the show settles into its regular timeslot of 8 p.m. Mondays on NBC. Right about now a fuck yeah would be in order.