Kiss this, Southwest

Do you know how to make a lot of lesbians really angry really fast? Be mean to Alice Pieszecki. In what seems like a plot out of “The L Word,” but is actual real and infuriating life, Leisha Hailey and her partner were escorted off a Southwest flight yesterday after kissing. Yes, in the year 2011 two gay ladies can’t kiss on an airplane without it being the end of the goddamn fucking world.

Leisha took to her twitter account last afternoon to express her justifiable outrage. (Click to enlarge. Read from the bottom to the top for the correct chronology).

So at Southwest bags fly free, but gay ladies can’t fly at all?

My outrage at this is multifold, and only compounded by Southwest’s official statement on the incident, released hours later. It read, in part:

“Initial reports indicate that we received several passenger complaints characterizing the behavior as excessive. Our crew, responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board, approached the passengers based solely on behavior and not gender. The conversation escalated to a level that was better resolved on the ground, as opposed to in flight.”

I think Southwest’s spell check is broken because they typed the word “excessive” when they really meant “gay.” You know, they’re pretty much interchangeable for some people. Now, I’ve flown a lot in my day. Across the state, across the country, across the oceans. And I have seen a lot of straight couples kiss on airplanes. A lot. And sometimes vigorously. But I have never seen a straight couple asked to stop kissing on an airplane. And I have never seen a straight couple escorted off for complaining that they were asked to stop kissing on an airplane. Never. Not once.

The Uh Huh Her twitter feed responded in kind, refuting this whole “excessive” business:

Besides that clear double standard (which blames the gays for daring to be gay and also daring to kiss while being gay), Southwest is essentially shrugging off its responsibility for its actions by claiming they were just reacting to passenger complaints. So, if some wingnut says he doesn’t like Asian people on his flight, would Southwest then – because it says is “responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board” – ask those Asian people to leave? If a homophobic passenger doesn’t like to see gay people show affection toward each other, why do his rights trump the couple’s rights? How is that more of a “family” value than embracing love – in all of its variations? This from the company that calls itself the LUV Airline.

Now, the naysayers (and there are always sayers making with the nay – this is the internet, it practically breeds them) will say that gays should just cool it with the PDA. That all PDA is uncomfortable and should not be allowed for anyone – but, you know, especially that icky gay kind that has the potential to make “normal” Americans have to explain to their kids that the world is a big place and not everyone is the same or some such socialist malarkey.

They say when gay people kiss in public they “want attention” or are “rubbing it in other people’s faces” or “whatever other homophobic bullshit I can say to mask the deep insecurity I feel about my own sexuality and that one time at summer camp with my cute counselor.” To those people I want to make a rational argument about how affection between straight and gay couples is no different, and what is acceptable for one should be just as acceptable for the other. But mostly I just want to tell those people to go fuck themselves. Truly, I could not be more sincere about that.

Look, I highly doubt Leisha and her lady friend were trying to go all Bette Porter at the opera on each other in their seats. Nothing about modern air travel is even the least bit conducive to a frisky finger bang session. Instead, like a lot of couples do, they shared a small smooch or two before the plane took off. Again, like a lot of couples do. If a straight couple did it, these same so-called complainers would probably say “Awwww.” Because a gay couple did it they said “Ewwww.”

Keep in mind, this is also the airline that kicked Greenday’s Billie Joe Armstrong off one of its planes for wearing saggy pants and director Kevin Smith off one of its planes for being too, in his own words, “fat.” And those are just the famous people they’ve wronged. They also have that pilot who accidentally broadcast his homophobic, misogynistic rant about “gays,” “grannies” and “grandes” to all the planes in the Houston area. Ironically, they’re also the official airlines of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.

What is most frustrating about this, besides the obvious inequality and homophobia, is that every gay person already has an internal monitor that she or he uses to regulate public behavior. It’s mostly subconscious, often just instinctual. But it has been ingrained in us from the moment we realized we were different. I call it the “Is It Worth It?” Meter. It’s that meter tells us how fully we can be ourselves and when it is worth the consequences. For the most part, the answer is always yes. Yes, it’s worth it to be out. Yes, it’s worth it to be public. Yes, it’s worth it to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movie theater.

But then there are times when it simply is not worth it. No, it’s not worth it to tell the douchey coffee guy who always tries to hit on you because it will only make him hit on you harder, and with more lesbian jokes. No, it’s not worth it to keep holding your girlfriend’s hand when you’re walking home late at night and nearing a large group of unruly men.

So for every person out there who persists on thinking we’re just shoving our big gay agenda into their faces, trust me – we’ve thought about the consequences of what we’re doing a lot more than you ever have. And we do what we do because we’ve decided that it’s worth it – despite all the bullshit – to be who we are. Because to self-censor ourselves for other people’s so-called comfort isn’t doing the world any favors. In fact, it hurts the world to let this double standard exist that says one kind of love is more acceptable than another kind of love. We think long and hard and endlessly about many of the simple gestures that straight people just take for granted.

So each time gay people demand to be treated equal, cry foul against discrimination and simply dare to give the person we love a kiss before the plane takes off, we chip away at that double standard. We stake our claim on our own equality. We say, I have the right to do this. If that makes you uncomfortable world, well, that’s your fucking problem. It’s not excessive to kiss someone you love, Southwest Airlines. And it is definitely worth it.

EDIT: Leisha Hailey and Camila Grey of Uh Huh Her have released an official statement about their Kissgate. It reads, in part:

We believe everyone has the right to live openly in this society as equals. In no way were our actions on Southwest Airlines excessive, inappropriate or vulgar. We want to make it clear we were not making out or creating any kind of spectacle of ourselves, it was one, modest kiss. We are responsible adult women who walk through the world with dignity. We were simply being affectionate like any normal couple.

Exactly, ladies. Exactly.

It Gets Google

This ad ran during “Glee” last night. Think long and hard about when was the last time you saw a gay-themed ad on a major American broadcast network during primetime. No on Bravo. Not on MTV. Not on Logo. On broadcast TV during the “Family Hour.” Yeah, embarassingly hard, isn't it? I’ve been a Firefox gal for years. But, you know what? I just might switch to Chrome.

Our stories, Ourselves

I try to write about women’s issues a lot on this blog – not just because I’m a woman, but because it matters how 51 percent of the population is treated in this world. I would hope that even if I wasn’t a woman I’d still care a lot about women’s issues. Women’s rights, women’s representation, women’s equality – they aren’t just about how women are treated, but what we value as a society. Even though this is mostly just a silly site that merrily muses about effervescent pop culture and pretty, pretty ladies, I try to do my small part to advocate for more, better and total inclusion of women in all forms of entertainment. This year I made an informal resolution to myself to stop watching TV shows that don’t pass the Bechdel Rule. So that killed “Hawaii Five-O” (Grace Park in a bikini is great, but it’d be even greater if she had another regular female castmate to talk with each week.) In TV – where we follow characters for years, not just 90 minutes – it’s even less excusable to not pass the simple test of having two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.

But what we see on screen is one thing, what happens behind the screen is another. The simple fact, the undeniable truth is that we women simply are not in command of our own stories. You see, who tells a story matters. Yet according to a new study by the Women’s Media Center, only 8 percent of all film writers are women. That means 92 percent are men, telling all of the stories we see on the screen. In 2009, women directed 7 percent of the top films that year. That’s the same percentage as in 1987, more than two decades ago. Last year, everyone crowed about the great stride for womankind with Kathryn Bigelow’s win as the first woman in 82 years to win an Academy Award for directing. She was only the fourth woman ever to receive the nomination. This year no women were nominated, despite two female-directed films landing best pictures nods. One step forward, yet we’re still looking up from the bottom rung.

These kinds of stark imbalances are sadly not sequestered to the world of entertainment. Women represent less than 25 percent of all op-ed pieces written, 13 percent of Sunday morning news show guests and 3 percent of the decision makers in the media. And we haven’t even reached the halls of real power. Out of 435 members of the House of Representatives, only 79 are women. Out of 100 senators, only 17 are women. We’ve only ever had one female Speaker of the House, who has now been relegated to minority leader. We are still waiting for our first-ever female vice president or president. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Just yesterday it was revealed in The New York Times that just 13 percent of Wikipedia contributors are women. And Wikipedia is a self-selecting group that can create, edit, contribute at will. So we’re self-selecting ourselves out of 87 percent of the information shared on one of the world’s largest information databases. Fantastic.

These numbers should make us furious. We should be livid. We should demand and accept nothing less than an equal place at the tables of power. Yet, here we are, chugging along. We coexist calmly in the face of inherent inequality. And, sure we frequently bemoan our fate and raise a righteous fuss, but otherwise we kind of just accept it. Maybe it’s that we've been conditioned to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. So we’ve been fooled into not caring. But it matters who tells our stories, who makes our news, who controls our power.

I guess this is my long and rambling way of saying, I’m mad. I think we all should be mad. That informal Bechdel resolution is now a permanent one. Same goes for movies. Same goes for whatever I put out there every day in my small of slices of that media pie. I’m going to try harder, be madder, get louder. Our stories deserve to be told, and we deserve to tell them.

Ask. Tell. Enjoy.

Ding dong, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is dead. The Senate voted to repeal the policy 65-31 on Saturday, finally ending the more than 230-year ban on gay and lesbians serving openly in the United States military. You’ve come a long way, soldier. Granted, the legislation (which President Clinton Obama* will sign this week) did not immediately lift the ban – the military leadership ultimately controls the timing and implementation of the new policy. But it certainly doesn’t have long left. So there you have it, history. One step close to that more perfect union. Each step matters, each step is huge. We should savor this sweet victory, for they seem to come so slowly. We should salute all those who fought so hard for this day and served so proudly even while the country they were fighting for asked them to hide who they really were. And, to be slightly more shallow, we should celebrate how many more women will now be able to look really fucking hot in uniforms.

So while we wait, let’s enjoy some of the loveliest ladies to wear the U.S. military uniform on screen. Ten-hut, indeed.

Glenn Close, “Serving in Silence”Glenn looks great in a uniform and a suit, it’s almost unfair.

Dana Delany, “China Beach”God, green is her color.

Loretta Swit, “M*A*S*H”Hot Lips is one of the best nicknames for a character, ever.

Goldie Hawn, “Private Benjamin”Still my favorite Goldie Hawn movie.

Catherine Bell, “JAG”Finally, a color other than green.

Meg Ryan, “Courage Under Fire”Remember when Meg did that serious movie about that first war in Iraq?

Kelly McGillis, “The L Word”She didn’t get to wear a uniform in “Top Gun.” To her credit, Mama Chaiken rectified that on her show.

Rose Rollins, “The L Word”Oh Tasha, how I miss that smile.

Demi Moore, “G.I. Jane.”The shaved head, the one-armed push-up. Where do I enlist?

At ease, soliders. A grateful nation thanks you for all the hotness.

*Wow, now that was an impressive typo. I love how you all assumed I meant Hillary, but alas I was actually probably thinking about Bill. I had researched DADT's creation and signing before I wrote this and had too much Bubba on the brain.

The cruelest cut

I talk about my love for Tina Fey endlessly a lot here. I make no apologies for my unabashed Feyminism. But every now and then, it doesn’t hurt to have a reminder of exactly, precisely, without-a-doubt why I love her. And today that reminder is in the segment PBS cut from her Mark Twain Prize acceptance speech.

“And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women — except, of course, those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape kit ‘n’ stuff. But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years. Whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know, actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster.”

See it for yourself here:

[Sorry the right side is cut off, stupid parameters.
Tina nails it at 12 minutes and 30 seconds mark.]

Boom. I love the smell of roasted Mama Grizzlies in the morning, it smells like victory over hypocrisy. Also, s’mores. Well, it would have if PBS had actually aired the bit in question. According to The Washington Post, PBS executives say the quote was trimmed for length. The show ran 19 minutes over and every presenter apparently had his/her segment snipped.

PBS also trimmed Tina’s individual shout-outs and thanks to presenters and friends, which she herself acknowledged “we’re probably going to cut this part for the broadcast.” But to then snip such an obviously political and pointed part of her speech seems, well, off. I mean, about 20 minutes of the 90-minute show were clips from her past work anyway. You can’t cut clips?

What the hell, PBS? You are PBS. Everyone knows you are liberal elite lunatics already. Go with it. You’re not fooling anyone. And, speaking of not fooling anyone, give it up with the Bert and Ernie are “just roommates” stuff. Yeah, for 40 years.

The best humor cuts through the clutter and lays bare simple truths. It doesn’t have to be political, often it’s about the mundane. But we relate, if sometimes through nervous laughter, because of its core truth. And whether PBS cut the Sarah Palin slam out of misplaced anxiety or overactive politeness or wussy fear of the new Republican Congress cutting its funding, it was the wrong call. Boo, PBS, no reusable canvas tote bag for you.

To extrapolate wildly from this one incident and make broad generalizations (What? It’s my blog and I can extrapolate wildly if I want to.), this timidity is sadly endemic in our media – political or otherwise – these days. We like to push this canard that there are two equal sides to every story. Sometimes, believe me, there just aren’t. Not all opinions are created equal. Some are based on fear and ignorance and flat-out lies. That doesn’t mean you don’’ have the right to that opinion – you absolutely do. Believe, think, say whatever you want. But I don’t have to give it as much weight as an opinion based in fact.

Fact are not political, or at least they shouldn’t be. So when someone like Christine O’Donnell, who doesn’t even know that the separation between church and state is built into the First Amendment, gets thisclose to going to Congress, we’ve failed as a media on a very basic level. When Sen. John McCain’s constant flip-flopping on his reasons for opposing the DADT repeal isn’t called out when he moves the goalpost yet again, we’ve failed as a media on a very basic level. (And don’t get me started on Cindy McCain’s about-face (more like two-face)on DADT. Did old man yell at more than lawn to make you go from bold equality backer to cowardly intolerance back tracker in 2.5 days?). When the daughter of the almost vice president of the United States of America uses gay slurs on Facebook and we don’t question the mentality that allows that, we’ve failed on a very basic level.

Let’s be honest here. The Mama Grizzlies aren’t feminists. They aren’t good for all women. They’re good for people who believe a very specific, very conservative ideology. Which, if you believe those things, good for you. But let’s not buy into the lie that their victories are ours. They are not. For many of us, they’re just a disaster. Preach it Tina, preach.

Vote, baby, vote

Go forth and vote today, kittens. Do it for Olivia Kickin’ Chipotle Glazed Time Warner.

p.s. If you want to have Olivia scream your name in that video, watch it here.
p.p.s. I promise to have a real, actual, no kidding post tomorrow.
p.p.p.s. Thanks again for all the birthday love.
p.p.p.p.s. How about them Giants!

My Weekend Patriotism

The President of the United States of America is looking into a camera and telling gay kids everywhere that “You are not alone. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve being bullied. And there is a whole world waiting for you, filled with possibilities. There are people out there who love you and care about you just the way you are.” Does it negate the deep disappointment I feel about how his administration has handled DADT, ENDA, gay marriage, etc.? No. Does it make me proud to have a president who cares enough about gay kids to speak to them directly and tell them their lives have worth? Yes. The leader of the free world wants gay kids to know they shouldn’t be bullied and they shouldn’t kill themselves. It seems so simple, but it is so very significant. This is how things get better. Thank you, Mr. President. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: A little more on why, despite our disappointments, this is still a Big Fucking Deal. (Joe Biden.)

Purple Pride

People have criticized the “It Gets Better” project. They say it’s idle words and cold comfort for kids who are hurting now. But it’s much more than that. It’s a community coming together for a community that isn’t always easy to find when you’re new. It’s a community showing those who are just realizing who they are what it looks like to finally figure it out fully. It’s a community reassuring each other that, yes, we have all been there and, yes, it does really get better.

It’s also those who support our community showing us what it means to be an ally. Yesterday, our biggest straight ally to date stepped in to the conversation. Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released an “It Gets Better” video. Before you watch, I want you to think about the magnitude and significance of this – a sitting Secretary of State filming a message of support intended specifically for GLBT youth. That’s a powerful message from someone with real power.

Oh, Hillary. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love you more.

Today is also Spirit Day, a day to remember GLBT youth who have tragically taken their lives and rally to end anti-gay bullying. I admit, I’m not wearing purple. I wore my one purple shirt to work on Monday and, alas, do not own another. (It was my high school color, and no one wants to be reminded too much of the days when you were forced to look like a grape while dealing with acne and adolescence.) But I’ve changed my Twitter profile for the day. And I know each time I think about Hillary’s support, I’ll swell with purple pride. It does get better, and it will because so many people – like Hillary, like everyone else who has recorded a video – care enough to make sure it does.

Make it a better place

Kids can be cruel. This is nothing new. Human can be cruel, period. Bullies have been around since the beginning of time. But that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate them. What has happened in the past month with five high-profile suicides of gay teens is as tragic as it is unacceptable. This must stop. No young person should feel like ending his or her life is the only option. Ever.

The statistics on GLBT youth harassment could not be more stark or sobering:

• 9 out of 10 LGBT kids get harassed at school.
• LGBT kids are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.
• A third — A THIRD – of all LGBT kids have attempted suicide.

The suicides of these five young men make me sad beyond words. How can we live in a world where this keeps happening? Thankfully there is a lot of justifiable public outcry right now about bullying. The unfettered harassment of GLBT youth must be addressed in schools across the country. Curriculum must be created, bills must be passed. But this isn’t just a classroom issue. GLBT bullying doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Sure, kids have always picked on other kids they think are “different.” Yet we live in a country that still allows for the wholesale discrimination against GLBT people.

Gays and lesbians are not allowed to legally marry. Gays and lesbians are not allowed to openly serve in the military. Gays and lesbians are not protected from being fired for their sexual orientation across all 50 states. None of these rights and protections exist on a federal level.

So, then, why are we so surprised when teens pick on gay kids? When a government says it is OK to discriminate against gay people, kids think it's OK to hate them. All politics are personal, and nothing is more personal than being treated like a second-class citizen.

So this, this is why Prop. 8, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, the Employment Nondiscrimination Act, etc. all matter so much. While on the surface they may seem like they’re about a single issue — marriage, military service, employment — they’re a gauge of what we as a people believe is important to protect. They’re the legal harbingers of our overall acceptance and, ultimately, full equality.

And they’re also why it is so very important to vote come November. Will the repeal of DADT or Prop. 8 end GLBT bullying overnight? No, of course not. Are they are an important step to creating a culture of tolerance? You'd better fucking believe it.

Whatever disappointments we might have in this administration, in this congress (and, believe me, there are many), think long and hard about the alternative. We’re up against an extreme opposition that hates us. I am so fucking disappointed that President Obama hasn't been more proactive on DADT and Prop. 8 and all the rest. But if you think not voting is a way of showing him, then I hope you enjoy that bullet hole in your own foot. Change comes slowly and painfully and is never perfect. But sitting idly by will ensure it never happens. It won’t make life better for you and me, and it won’t make life easier for the gay teen getting picked on every day at school.

When something like this makes the headlines, we often feel helpless. How can we reach out to these kids? How can we tell them they aren’t alone? How can we encourage them to hold on? Things like the It Gets Better Project are wonderful. Things like The Trevor Project are essential. But we can, and we must, help in other ways, too. That means calling out homophobia when we see it, whether by the teen on the street or the pop starlet on the stage who uses “so gay” as a put down. That means electing people who, at the very least, don’t think we’re an abomination. That means continuing to push our leaders to give us the same basic rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as everyone else. That means reaching out if you see an LGBT kid struggling.

They say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But that simply isn’t true. Words can do as much damage as a fist and, as we’ve sadly seen these last few weeks, sometimes even more. While the bullies of the world, be they in the school hallways or the political pulpit, will continue using words as weapons, we can use them as a shield.

If you need help, feel alone, want someone to talk to, call The Trevor Lifeline toll-free any time of day or night: 866-488-7386.

Believe me when I say this, things do get better. Kids can be cruel, but you are not alone. We are with you. We are doing everything we can to make sure it gets better. We want you to be alongside us when it does.

To be self evident

I want to say something eloquent, moving, powerful about the yesterday’s overruling of Proposition 8. I want to convey the importance of the decision, the giant step forward this signifies for equality, the long road still ahead until all men and women truly have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want this moment in history to be remembered as the beginning of something bigger than ourselves. I want this to be the train that cannot be stopped.

But, to be honest, mostly I just want to squeal. Squeal with joy. Squeal with relief. Squeal with every gay fiber in my body.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

We won, finally, we won. After so many defeats, so many bitter rejections, so much heartache and so much needless hate, the simple truth won out. Our love is no different. Our love is not wrong. Our love deserves protection. Our love is just love.

Of course, the fight is far from over. This ruling is not the last we will hear of Proposition 8, nor is it the last our country will grapple with what it means to have truths we hold self-evident, yet do not follow. This case could and probably should make it all the way to the Supreme Court. While I fear the new conservatism of the bench, I hope against hope that those words declaring us all created equal will prevail.

Chief US District Judge Vaughn Walker certainly understood that, ruling in his conclusion:

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

In fact, the entire ruling is filled with amazing, thoughtful, decisive language that says in no uncertain terms that to discriminate against gay couples’ right to marry is wrong, the arguments presented by the Prop. 8 backers were baseless and that our relationships are no different from straight relationships. One doesn’t often get choked up reading 138 pages of dense legal documents. But I did, I really did.

Some highlights (read the whole thing here):

“Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis on which to deny rights to gay men and women.”

“Same-sex couples are identical to opposite-sex couples in the characteristics relevant to the ability to form successful marital unions.”

“The sexual orientation of an individual does not determine whether that individual can be a good parent.”

“Gender no longer forms an essential part of marriage; marriage under law is a union of equals.”

“That the majority of California voters supported Proposition 8 is irrelevant, as ‘fundamental rights may not be submitted to [a] vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections.’”

And then, perhaps the most satisfying part of his whole decision was the last four words: IT IS SO ORDERED.

Judge Walker, just so you know, you’ll never have to buy a drink in a gay bar ever again.

Yesterday was a good day. With hard work and perseverance, it will be the first of many more. Oh, and one more thing: Suck it, Prop. 8. Suck it hard.

For richer, for poorer

Lots of marriages don’t work. Gay marriages. Opposite marriages. People enter with the best intentions and then, for whatever reason, end up with irreconcilable differences. Until death do us part is really more of a suggestion these days. So the end of Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels nine-year relationship is in and of itself not shocking. Sad, but not shocking.

But what is shocking, and also sad – not to mention really fucking disappointing, is what seems to be a shirking of responsibility on Melissa’s part now that their marriage is over. Melissa filed for divorce on Friday, citing that old standby “irreconcilable differences.” She also asked the court for a) joint custody of their 3-year-old twins and b) to not pay financial support to Tammy. Um, what?

Tammy, not one to take a headline lying down, took to her blog to let the universe know exactly how she felt about that. She wrote that she was blindsided by Melissa’s filing (she says Melissa had promised not to file until after her tour was over in the fall). And then she had some choice words about Melissa wanting to wriggle out of alimony.

i gave up my managers, agents, contacts, all that good stuff, because i stepped directly into potty training a small boy, and carrying around a small girl on my hip. both excellent souls. and i was a very huge part in raising them for many many years while She with the Guitar focused on her Guitar.

i was always the house wife after that. the only thing i hated about it was not bringing in money- i have made my own money since i started babysitting at 10, and having a newspaper route at 11. having no steady paycheck killed me for those years with her. and now it's really killing me. the other week i had to borrow money from a friend. two weeks ago i had to scrape together $1.25 to pay for gas. i know she doesn't want to give me money. trust. i'm borrowing cash left and right from people to get through this summer, and feed my kids, with a stomach full of ulcers, thank you. no stress here. :-)

Look, She with the Guitar, Tammy helped raise your two kids from your previous marriage. She is raising your two twins. She stuck by you through cancer. She stuck by you when you won an Oscar. She gave up her career to make this all happen. She was truly there for better and for worse. These things, they have worth. She may not have made a paycheck, but those are work. And you benefited from that work. And now, just like any other marriage that ends in divorce where one partner made the money and the other stayed at home to raise the family, you need to pony up.

We can’t enjoy the fun parts and then when things get decidedly unfun say, well, it wasn’t a real marriage anyway. Hell yes, it was. Weren’t you all filled with piss and civil disobedience when Prop. 8 passed, saying you wouldn’t pay your state income taxes because California took away your right to legally marry? Or, as I now suspect, do I detecting much more simple reasoning. Is it all about saving a few bucks and not paying people what they are due?

As we stare down the still-smoking barrel of the latest sorry shooting down of our civil liberties (Gee thanks, Hawaii. Aloha this.), the absurdity of Melissa’s request becomes all the more apparent.

With rights come responsibilities. In this quest to be equal, we have to take the good with the bad. The right to get married? Yes, absolutely. The responsibilities that come if that marriage ends in divorce? Yep, those too. Love is love. Marriage is marriage. Fair is fair. Honey, if you didn’t wanna pay up, shoulda got a pre-nup.

Faking it

People can be awful. Really, truly, unrepentantly awful. While this is nothing new, the realization of how awful people can be particularly to members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning community is like a kick in the gut anew each time. Which, in turn, is exactly how I felt when I heard lesbian teen Constance McMillen was sent to a fake prom by her town.

You remember Constance, the 18-year-old lesbian student who asked her Mississippi high school if she could go to prom in a tux with her girlfriend. And instead of saying, “Of course, who loves dancing more than the gays?” her school said “Ewww, gay! No prom for ANYONE !” Lawsuits were filed, private proms were organized. And then Constance was finally invited to the parent-sponsored private event. But when she got there, only five other students were there. All the other students? They were far away from the gay at the “real” prom enjoying their night of throwing up in limos and potentially getting date raped.

Constance told The Advocate:

“They had two proms and I was only invited to one of them. The one that I went to had seven people there, and everyone went to the other one I wasn’t invited to….It hurts my feelings.”

And who chaperoned the fake prom? The principal and teachers. Classy, really classy.

Oh, and guess what? Among the seven students there were two with “learning difficulties.” Said Constance, “They had the time of their lives. That’s the one good thing that come out of this, [these kids] didn’t have to worry about people making fun of them [at their prom].”

Hey, that sounds kind of familiar. Who else was it that rounded up the queers and the people with developmental disabilities and society’s other “undesirables” and shipped them away from the rest of the “pure” world? I wonder if any Jewish kids go to Itawamba Agricultural High School, and if so which prom they got to go to. Just saying.

And if your blood isn’t boiling enough, some delightful townsperson has started a “Constance quit yer cryin” Facebook page. The first post: “Seriously, you've pretty much eff'd up your fellow classmate's best memory of High School.”

What, exactly, is wrong with people? Why are they so terrible and cruel, hateful and ignorant? What makes an entire town conspire to leave the gay kid out (and the learning disabled kids, too, for good measure)? Also, if we all scream the same expletive at the same time in the direction of Fulton, Miss. do you think they could hear us? Because I really, really want everyone who was part of this appalling stunt to hear us.

While it’s cold comfort now, history will prove these people for the shameful bigots that they are. All that rage doesn’t have to be impotent either. We can use it, focus it and fight even harder. People can be awful. But we can be better. We have to be.

CONTACT:

Itawamba County Schools Superintendent Teresa McNeece:

tmcneece@itawamba.k12.ms.us
662-862-2159 ext. 14

Itawamba Agricultural High School principal Trae Wiygul

twiygul@itawamba.k12.ms.us
662-862-3104

SUPPORT

Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition

ACLU LGBT Project

Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom Facebook Page

Constance’s prom may have been fake, but these people are real assholes.

UPDATE: One more way to speak out. Sign the HRC petition to say "I stand with Constance McMillen.”

My Weekend Crush

Say what you will about Nancy Pelosi, but the lady delivered. When it counted most, when others swore it was futile, when the full brunt of an angry opposition came down on her, she delivered. Not to go all Joe Biden on the situation, but the passage of health care reform this week was a big fucking deal. Sure, it’s not everything many of us had hoped for. And it’s a lot more than others ever wanted. But this is how progress works. It is rarely pretty. It is always hard. It is never perfect. Change is a process, but it won’t happen without that first, gigantic step.

And it might not have ever happened without the Speaker of the House. Now I’ve had my differences with Pelosi’s leadership style and overall approach before. But I’ve never doubted her intellect and conviction, and now I’ll never doubt her toughness again. By all accounts it was Speaker Pelosi who prodded President Obama to stay aggressive about passing health care reform. By all accounts it was Speaker Pelosi who cajoled Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to grow a pair. And by all account it was Speaker Pelosi who strong-armed the skittish House Democrats to get the votes needed, more even, to pass this historic piece of legislation.

Now l still believe that the role of government is to help people, to solve big problems, and to ensure our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. And it’s really hard to have any let alone all of those three if you’re sick and can’t afford to get better. The simple right to be healthy, to even just be alive, shouldn’t be reserved for the rich. We are a society that is plenty wealthy enough to make sure our most basic health is ensured. It’s downright shameful that we don’t. But that begins to end now.

Pelosi, who turns 70 today, is not only the first female Speaker of the House, but as second in line to the presidency she is perhaps the most powerful woman in American history. And she has done it all, amazingly, with that near perpetual smile. For this, she has been called many things. A dingbat. A dilettante. And, my favorite, a San Francisco liberal. The horrors! Yet somehow, people still buy Rice-a-Roni.

But such chronic underestimation is something she is no doubt used to, and clearly has no problem overcoming. There were times during this past year when I was sure that all hope was lost, that the bill was dead, that the Democrats simply didn’t have the spine. But that was just me underestimating her, too. She had the spine all along. Sure it wasn’t seamless, and certainly the work isn’t done. But it’s that first, gigantic step we needed. Thank you, Madame Speaker. Have a happy birthday, you’ve earned it. Happy weekend, all.

My Weekend Crush

I didn’t go to my prom. There are several reasons for this including but not limited to I didn’t believe in them, I broke out into hives at the thought of wearing a fancy dress and I wasn’t asked. Instead, I drove around that night with a friend and said snarky things about the people who were in prom. I’m pretty sure we had more fun. But, even back then, I never begrudged anyone’s right to go to prom. And I feel the exact same way, if not more so, today. If you want to go to prom, you should get to go to prom.

Which, of course, leads me to the plight of Mississippi teenager Constance McMillen. By now you’ve hopefully heard her story. The 18-year-old Itawamba County Agricultural High School student made national headlines last week because she asked her school if she could wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend to the prom. I know! What year does she think this is? 2010? The school said no (they have a policy against same-sex dates at prom – since they rightfully know it’s actually 1910). Then Constance asked the ACLU to politely show them the correct date on the calendar. But instead of just letting her wear what she wanted and slow dance to Taylor Swift songs with whom she wanted, school administrators canceled the whole damn prom. That’ll show the gays! No one can dance now! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [Insert hand-wringing and/or stroking of a white cat.]

Now that this sort of close-minded, intolerance still exists should not come as a surprise to anyone. But that more young people like Constance are standing up to it and not accepting inequality as a status quo anymore is inspiring. Constance didn’t just ask one person for permission and leave with her tail between her legs when she was told no. She went to the vice principal, to the principal, to the district attorney, to the superintendent and ultimately to the school board. Then she contacted the ACLU. And now the ACLU has filed a lawsuit in an attempt to get prom back for everyone.

So what gave this 18-year-old the strength to take on an entire school district? She told Michelangelo Signorile on his radio show:

“I am proud of who I am, regardless if I’m different... I decided maybe I could make a change, not just for me but for future generations of kids.”

Of course, the school’s cowardly decision has made things even more difficult for Constance. This is a small town in Mississippi, after all. And, well, it’s high school. She said since prom was canceled she thinks about 70 percent of the school had turned against her, making her the villain.

Luckily, there have also been supporters, too. Constance has a Facebook fan page with more than 360,000 supporters. And the celesbians are fans, too. Wanda Sykes invited Constance and her girlfriend to attend the GLAAD awards. Cat Cora (herself a Mississippi native) issued a statement and offered to make an appearance at prom. And Ellen DeGeneres is having Constance on her show today.

But this isn’t really about star power of media appearances. This is about the power of one person with the courage, determination and eloquence to know her cause is just and not let anyone tell her any different. As Constance told Signorile:

“Just because you are different for some reason, you don’t have to put up with that. I want people to understand that they don’t have to put up with it, and you should stand up for yourself.”

Life is so complicated, yet so simple. We all want to be happy, to feel loved. We all want to be accepted, to be equal. Those who fight against our most basic humanity, our simplest needs, complicate things endlessly. But, thanks to people like Constance, perhaps more people will realize how needlessly it is complicated, too. What she wants isn’t radical. In fact, it’s downright traditional. As she told the AP:

“I want my prom experience to be the same as all of the other students, a night to remember with the person I'm dating.”

See, simple. Thanks for the reminder, Constance. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. If you want to warm the cockles of your heart even more, check out Autostraddle’s outrageously adorable Lesbian Prom Gallery. It’s so fucking cute it almost makes me wish I’d gone to my prom. Almost.

Find a happy place

In case you hadn’t noticed, I love “Glee.” Fun, fabulous and so fucking gay, the show has almost everything I love. Singing, dancing, snarking. Jane Lynch, jazz hands, gay cheerleaders. That’s just quality television, right there. One of the other things I love about “Glee” is how it has become such a massive cultural phenomena. It’s cool to love this show. Hell, even President Barack Obama has jumped on the bandwagon and invited the cast to sing at the White House for the annual Easter Egg Roll.

Yay, Gleeks! We’ve arrived! Right? Um, right, sort of. For all the show’s success, it also represents a fundamental dichotomy in our culture. While the larger world is perfectly happy to laugh along with us, they’re still not completely comfortable making us equal. We’re allowed into their living rooms for an hour each week, but we’re not allowed to live totally free every hour of every day.

Even this White House invite, while fantastic, typifies our struggle. Pres. Obama supports and is pursuing the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, but does not support full marriage equality. One step forward, one step still stuck in the mud. Granted, that one step forward is a big one. I don’t recall any open invites to tea from W.

Though, as impatient as we are, the “Glee” movement might just be a sign that better days ahead. Because, instead of breeding contempt, familiarity in this case could breed acceptance. Polls have shown over and over again that younger generations are more comfortable and committed to gay rights. The future, it seems is bright – there’s just that tricky matter of getting there, and quickly. The song remains the same: Don’t stop believin’.

Politics is Portia

Watching someone come fully into herself, especially in the public eye, is a rare and wonderful thing. The first time I saw Portia de Rossi was 17 years ago in “Sirens.” Known by the prurient as The Movie Where Elle Macpherson Gets Naked, it was actually a strange, sexy little meditation on exploration and desire. It was also Portia’s first film. Now, while others probably remember the naked supermodel, I remember Portia. That scene where all the woman slowly caress naïve, eager Giddy is, well, did I mention I remembered Portia?

When I next saw her she was the tightly wound Nelle Porter with her ice-smooth bun and icier personality. Yes, I totally watched “Ally McBeal,” the show that some claim nailed the coffin of feminism shut with the spike of its stiletto. I wouldn’t go that far – I mean, who doesn’t like a creepy dancing animated baby? But “A Room of One’s Own” it certainly wasn’t.

Then came those tabloid photos of her necking in an alley with Ringo Starr’s daughter. Then came “Arrested Development.” And then, then came Ellen. Now, I don’t agree with the idea that to be truly happy we must pull a “Jerry Maguire” and find The One who completes us. But I do believe that love can open your heart to what is most important in life.

And, make no mistake, these days Portia knows exactly what is most important in life. In a great cover story for The Advocate, she talks extensively about what matters most to her.

“Maybe by sharing my life, I can make people more aware of how important gay marriage is.” Is that more important to her than acting? “Of course,” she answers immediately. “Actors come and go. Characters come and go. TV shows come and go. While acting is entertaining, for me personally, it’s a little empty….My career is only a part of my life, and it’s certainly not what I think I was born to do.”

So what was she born to do?

“Ever since Ellen and I got together, I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to actually—God, this sounds corny…” She rolls her eyes at herself, fidgets, and then forges ahead. “Well, I feel like my life can actually kind of stand for something. And I don’t mean that in a self-aggrandizing way, like, ‘Look at me, I can make a difference.’ But I feel like, maybe I get why I’m here.”

Corny? No. Amazing? Yes.

Portia talks about everything: her relationship with Ellen, the fight for gay marriage, her battle with anorexia, her coming out and even her poor vegan cooking skills. Also, did you know she is writing a book? Good God, at this point if you told me she could also juggle while riding a unicycle I wouldn’t be surprised one bit.

So why does she think coming out in Hollywood so important?

“People say, ‘There are lots of openly gay actors.’ And I’m like, who? If everybody I knew that was gay and not being open about it came out, it would make a huge difference to people coming up as young actors in Hollywood. Huge. To producers, to people in casting. I’m sure that when I was with Ellen a lot of people wondered if I could play a straight role convincingly. By having the opportunity, other people can go, ‘Oh, that’s OK. It didn’t kill that show. That was believable.’”

And why is the fight for gay marriage so important?

“I think it’s up to us to save marriage. Up to gay people across the country, seeing as though we’re fighting for it so vehemently. This whole thing has been a wave of excitement and hope, and then it gently falls back into despair. And then it picks us up again. Unfortunately, we’re the ones who have to suffer this—this humiliation, really. There’s kind of a dignity that’s been stripped from us. Gay people are the ones who have to suffer through it—but without it, it won’t change.”

Finally, why was appearing on Oprah so important?

“Being on Oprah was a very surreal moment—to go from being so closeted and so afraid to talk about my sexuality to sitting with my wife, talking about my wedding and how much I love her. To look out at that audience and see most of the audience crying—Oprah was crying! Life can take so many twists and turns. You can’t ever count yourself out. Even if you’re really afraid at some point, you can’t think that there’s no room for you to grow and do something good with your life.”

Like I was saying, a rare and wonderful thing.

p.s. Everyone watch “Better Off Ted.” Portia will make you snort at minimum once per episode. Guaranteed.

(Belated) Naked Lady Monday

Oh, kittens. My apologies for falling asleep last night before finishing my post. I blame all the cheese food products I consumed during my Super Bowl football game eating extravaganza. But, I want to make my absence this morning up to you. How, you ask? Anne Hathaway, I say. Not only is the delightful, pale-skinned, doe-eyed actress endlessly likable, she is steadfastly gay-friendly. In fact, in her cover story for the new British GQ magazine, she reveals that her entire family converted from the Catholic to the Episcopalian church after her brother came out in protest of the former’s anti-gay stance.

She told the magazine:

“The whole family converted to Episcopalianism after my elder brother came out. Why should I support an organization that has a limited view of my beloved brother?”

See, endlessly likable. Also, the lingerie doesn’t hurt.

So, am I forgiven?

God bless the child

When the homes fall down and the hospitals fall down and the presidential palace falls down, it puts everything in our lives in instant perspective. The earthquake that ripped through Haiti this week has left rubble, dust, blood and tears in its wakes. The call for help has gone out across the globe, though every technology available. Literally, you can now just lift one finger to help by texting 90999 with the message “HAITI” to donate $10 to the Red Cross. It’s so easy, it almost feels like cheating.

Celebrities have rallied support, the President has pledged support. Hillary Clinton called the level of devastation “biblical.” I don’t pray to any particular god, but I’ve asked the universe to help those hurt, scared and alone. More than 100,000 souls feared lost, maybe some 3 million more in desperate need.

In times like this when the enormity of the world’s suffering come crashing down around us, I’m reminded why I look to entertainment in the first place. Diversion. Joy. Meaning. Beauty. We can’t always find one, let alone all of them, in the things we consume. But sometimes, if we’re really lucky, the art we enjoy takes us through a rabbit hole of imagination and back again to the other side to make our waking lives more vivid and clear. We can’t ever escape the world’s problems, but maybe we can understand them just a little bit better.

HOW TO HELP.

My Weekend Crush

The democratic process has handed us a lot of bitter, painful losses of late. California. Maine. And earlier this week, New York. It seems with each Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut or Iowa comes a wall of others turning their backs to our basic right to love and have that love be recognized legally. The march toward marriage equality has been fraught with unwelcome pit stops and unacceptable setbacks. That sharp sting of defeat – whether at the ballot box or the chambers of power – reopens the wound each time leaving it raw and exposed.

But, while we resign ourselves to the reality that in many places across this country voters (or voting representatives) aren’t there yet, we must never let the disappointment sway our resolve. Because for each vote no today, there is a Diane Savino on our side tomorrow. The state senator from Staten Island stood up Wednesday and reminded us that it will be people like her who ultimately make the difference. We cannot win this fight alone. We need straight allies who are as passionate and as clear-headed and as resolute as we are. Together, we will win. Together we will prove that there truly is nothing to fear from love and commitment. Thank you, State Sen. Savino. Happy weekend, all.