This slays me

So last night, in a moment of weakness and because nothing else was on TV and it was a free preview weekend for Showtime, I cracked and finally watched “Twilight.” I’d resisted watching a single “Twilight” movie for more than two full years. Of course, I heard all about them. Unless you lived in a cave (without cable service or the internet service or subscription service to “Entertainment Weekly”), it was impossible to ignore the phenomena. But until last night I’d just scoffed on principle. Now, well, now I feel I can scoff with authority. It’s not necessarily that I thought “Twilight” was terrible – I take it back, every time Bella and Edward spoke to each other it was terrible. It’s just that it’s such an outmoded kind of love story. Really, the weak girl needs a strong man to protect her? Really, stalking as a form of romantic courtship? Really, “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin,” really? Whuck?

I guess what “Twilight” really does is make me miss “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” even more. Because instead of being about a fragile girl and her gallant, broody vampire protector, it was the story of a gallant girl who protected the world and, OK, occasionally dated broody vampires. But at least none of her vampire boyfriends sparkled in the sun like a sullen disco ball. Buffy also had Willow and Xander. And Willow had Tara and extra flamey candles. It also has the L Word (Lllll-esbians!) and the F Word (Fffff-eminism) and the P Word (Ppppp-op culture zingers!) I need to go pull out my DVDs immediately and hug them tight.

I know it’s unfair to compare “Buffy” and “Twilight,” really. One is about a romance set to appeal to teen girls and people’s inner teen girl and the other is about subverting of all those teen girl romances and carving its own path. But just in case those of you watching at home had forgotten, Buffy is better. And all those teenage girls sleeping soundly on their Team Edward or Team Jacob pillows should instead be sleeping under a big Team Buffy comforter. Because that’s the real stuff dreams are made of. Also – come on – Buffy would clean the floor with Edward. Seriously, not even close.