Gender Fuck Thursday: Break the Tie Edition

Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! OK, you get where I’m going here, right? I’ve discussed my love of a nice tie – bow or neck – in the past. But the question always remains – tied or untied? Which is sexier? Often it’s situational. Start of the date: tied. End of the date: untied. Really, the great thing about a tie is its ability to be either or, whenever you want it. Fine, too much kumbatie for you? Then go ahead and decide for yourself. Tied? Untied? Delightfully loose like Noni? Some choices are just…fun.

Janelle MonaeTied, definitely tied.

Jane LynchWait, untied, definitely untied.

Noomi RapaceDammit. No, I mean it, tied.

Kate WinsletNo! I was so wrong. Untied!

Regina SpektorFine. I give up.

Monica BellucciI said I give up.

Hope SoloNow you’re just hurting me.

Naomi WattsOfficially dead.

Right, so what did you decide? Tied or untied? I know, both.

Dancing Solo

Confirmed: Hope Solo will be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Also confirmed: Many, many more lesbians are going to watch the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”



So the world’s most kick-ass goalie is going to be on the show with the shiny sequins and the crazy choreography. On the one hand, wow, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.” On the other hand, dammit, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.”



I do not watch, though I have caught a few performances over the years. What I’ve gleaned from those few minutes is that, um, isn’t Hope a little upscale for this show? Let’s be brutally honest, it’s usually people trying to revive their careers or people without real careers in the first place. I mean, Rob Kardashian and George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend are both on the show this season. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake and Carson Kressley and mean them no disrespect as fellow castmates. But then there’s the little problem of Nancy Grace also being a contestant. I’m not sure I can in good conscience watch any show that features that woman. She makes me want to kill someone and get away with it, just to watch her head explode. (Just kidding, I do not want to kill anyone. But I do want kind of want to watch Nancy’s head explode.)



Then there’s the injury factor. Aren’t contestants getting hurt left and right every season on this show? Hope, girl, the 2012 London Olympics are less than a year away. We do not want to have our star goalie sidelined by a tragic cha-cha accident.



Man, I am being so gay about this news. I’ve processed like 100 emotions in four paragraphs. But in the end, I think I’m mostly happy Hope will get the exposure and hopefully it’ll shine more much-deserved light onto our amazing U.S. Women’s National Team. As Hope herself tweeted, it’s to raise awareness of women’s soccer. And that’s a good thing. Also a good thing, this means I have a perfectly valid excuse to post more pictures of Hope Solo.



My, what big hands you have.

Admittedly, these legs are going to look killer in heels.

Normally I hate midriff-baring dresses. This is not normally.

If I was one of Hope’s DWTS competitors, I would seriously consider forfeiting after seeing this picture.

Arm…

…porn…

…forever.

I take everything I said back. This is the best news ever. Also, DWTS costumers, please note that Hope should only ever appear in sleeveless gowns. That’s an order. It would be a sin to cover even a single centimeter of these guns. A sin against hotness.

We can be heroes

No matter how hard you prepare. No matter how hard you play. No matter how hard you want it. Sometimes, the win goes to the country that needs it more. And, God knows, Japan needed it. So, while I’m certainly heartbroken to see our Team USA lose in the Women’s World Cup final, I feel a certain joy too because Japan could use a win this year. But, really, in a game as hard-fought and nail-biting as USA v. Japan, we’re all winners. Because we all got to see some exciting, top-level soccer (yes, yes – football everyone else) and two teams who played their hearts out. That’s a win-win in my book. And that we got to watch three weeks of elite, dedicated, amazing athletes do what they do best. OK, fine, it’s also kind of like three weeks of uninterrupted muscle porn for lesbians. But, hey, can’t it be both? Plus, it’s always a wondrous thing when the world comes together to cheer on women’s sports – no matter the outcome. In fact, the final set a new tweets per second record – beating even the news that Bin Laden had been killed. Way to go, ladies. So one last round of hugging each other with their legs in sportsmanship. See you in 2015.

Team JapanCongratulations, Japan.

Hope SoloGreat game, USA.

Abby WambachAbby Wambach’s forehead for president.

Alex Morgan & Abby WambachDo we really need to wait four years for more of this?

Megan Rapinoe & Abby WambachSo many alternative lifestyle haircuts, so little time.

Team USAJust look at these magnificent human beings.

Abby WambachArm porn forever.

Homare Sawa, Aya Miyama & teammateThreesome, nice.

Team JapanThough why limit things to three?

Homare SawaBadass and adorable in the same tiny body.

Hope Solo & Aya MiyamaUm, doesn’t this totally look like Hope’s trying to pick up Aya after the game? Like, “Hey, girl, hey. Good job winning the World Cup. Can I come back to your place and, you know, touch it?” What? I’m looking for a silver lining, people.

Still sad about Team USA’s loss? Please let Abby Wambach’s abs console you in your time of grief.

Still inconsolable? OK, well I guess since this is a special lesbian emergency, we’ll have to break Hope Solo’s abs.

See, allllll better.

American splendor

Not to be an unapologetic homer, but, um – USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Right, sorry. I love you, other countries. But I REALLY love Team USA after that amazing, amazing game. It had everything. Bad calls. Really FUCKING bad calls. Last-minute goals. Really last FUCKING minute calls. Penalty kicks. Abby FUCKING Wambach. Hope FUCKING Solo. I said GODDAMN.I watched it in rerun late last night again and it was still so nerve wracking and so, so awesome. And in repeat you got to hear the announcer say, "It will go down as the USA's worst performance ever in the Women's World Cup" a mere 20 seconds before Abby Wambach blew up Brazil. How badass are these ladies? So badass. So in celebration of Team USA’s big win and trip to the semi-finals, here’s some bonus hugging each other with their legs in sportsmanship and all around awesomeness from our gals. America, fuck yeah.

Abby Wambach & Hope Solo

This photo makes me happy in all the right places.

Team Badass USAWelcome to fist pump heaven.

Abby Wambach & Megan Rapinoe

Hover power: Activate!

Ali Krieger & Christie RamponeClutch penalty kick game clinchers make for happy feet.

Hope MOTHERFUCKING SoloThanks to the beauty of this all-out, penalty saving stretch, you can see Hope’s navel piercing. What? I’m observant, so sue me.
Megan RapinoeHow adorable is she? So adorable.

Abby Wambach & Megan Rapinoe & Team USAThat’s what I call assaulting each other with your legs in sportsmanship.

Abby Wambach & Hope SoloI can’t be the only one who saw this and screamed “Kiss her!” Right?

Team USACuddle puddle.

Hey, who wants to watch Rapinoe’s awesome assist and Wambach’s beast of a header again? Yeah, we all do.

Now that, that’s what I call the beautiful game.

Are you ready for some football?

Female soccer players always throw off my gaydar. Always. Take, for instance, Team USA above. I mean, sure they’ve got tank tops and arm porn and alternative-lifestyle haircuts. But what’s really throwing me off is their mad swagger. Not artificial swagger, like unnecessary limps or ridiculous grandstanding. No, the swagger that comes from years and years of getting kicked in the shins. From running up and down a 100-yard field more times than you can count. From sweat and concentration and grit and grass stains embedded in your skin. Soccer is fucking hard work. So when you’re good, you’ve got natural swagger. And that, that’s hot. It’s also hot that when the women score they tend to jump, legs first, into their teammates’ arms. Any sport that celebrates by hugging each other with your legs in friendship is a sport I want to watch. So to honor of the Women’s World Cup and all those amazing ladies with mad swagger, how about a little lady leg action?

Team EnglandSo much for English reserve.

Team JapanThe leg wrap here is especially impressive.

Team Equatorial GuineaWell, this just looks like we’re interrupting a private moment.

Team England, againSeriously, what’s in the tea over there?

Team SwedenSometimes hugging can cross precariously into mounting – not that I mind.

Team NorwayOK, ladies, time to get a room.

Of course, this being Tuesday and me being a giver, I didn’t want to ignore all the quality tank top action happening either. Sure they’ve got great legs, but these ladies are also packing some serious guns.

Hope Solo, USANever has the fact that goalies get to use their hands seemed more delicious.

Abby Wambach, USAExtra bonus point for the tongue.

Jessica Landström, SwedenGorgeous, gay and ohmygod those guns. Also, she’s our mounty friend No. 9 above. Did I mention she’s my new favorite player?

p.s. For more on the lovely Ms. Landström and the other out players in the 2011 Women’s World Cup, check out AfterEllen this week up now.