Don’t be mine

Now I know that just as you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, it’s unfair to judge a movie by its trailer. But fairness is apparently now the trademarked domain of Fox News (at least that’s what the notes I scribbled on my palm say), so let’s judge away. Here’s the thing, “Valentine’s Day” looks awful. Like that Valentine’s Day candy that comes in the enormous, glossy, heart-shaped box awful. It’s sweet, it’s shiny, it’s expensive but inside it’s filled with nothing but those awful strawberry creams that make you gag after two bites. Harsh? I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day, haven’t I?

I’m very rarely a fan of the Americanized version of anything British. They have the better accents and the ability to be charming while stuttering. They have high tea, we have Ho-Hos. So every time the sunny, star-filled trailer for “Valentine’s Day” plays my heart cringes. Look, I know “Love Actually.” “Love Actually” is one of my favorite movies. “Valentine’s Day,” you’re no “Love Actually.”

Case in point:

Love Actually

Valentine’s Day

Yeah, no comparison.

There are downgrades and then there are downgrades. Going from Colin Firth to Ashton Kutcher is the latter. Not that I have anything personally against the, what, 600 big-name movie stars in “Valentine’s Day.” Anne Hathaway, lovely. Jennifer Garner, so girl next doory you’d think she actually lived next door. Jessica Biel, you’ve seen her in a tank top, right? It’s the forced combination in a movie by Garry Marshall (a man who wields romance like a club), that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, did you hear they’ve already working on a sequel called “New Year’s Eve?” Welcome to Love, The Brand. No, thank you.

Also, “Valentine’s Day” purposely de-gays the gay couple (that’d be Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane) in the trailer. So, you know, BOO!

What made “Love Actually” so universally heartwarming was its all-too-human elements. It never felt calculated or corporatized. It never featured a couple with the same first name, where they weren’t also of the same sex. But it did have Emma Thompson. Any film with Emma Thompson will always and forever win out over any film that doesn’t. Period. Laugh that big, loud, trademark laugh of yours all you want, Julia Roberts. You know it’s true.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, enjoy your big, gooey-centered Hollywood extravaganza if you must. Which, inevitably, will be followed by “New Year’s Eve,” “Thanksgiving Dinner,” “Fourth of July” and “Secretary’s Day.” But know that I’ll be at home rewatching “Love Actually” and swooning all over again. Love is all around, you just need to know where to look.

Politics is Portia

Watching someone come fully into herself, especially in the public eye, is a rare and wonderful thing. The first time I saw Portia de Rossi was 17 years ago in “Sirens.” Known by the prurient as The Movie Where Elle Macpherson Gets Naked, it was actually a strange, sexy little meditation on exploration and desire. It was also Portia’s first film. Now, while others probably remember the naked supermodel, I remember Portia. That scene where all the woman slowly caress naïve, eager Giddy is, well, did I mention I remembered Portia?

When I next saw her she was the tightly wound Nelle Porter with her ice-smooth bun and icier personality. Yes, I totally watched “Ally McBeal,” the show that some claim nailed the coffin of feminism shut with the spike of its stiletto. I wouldn’t go that far – I mean, who doesn’t like a creepy dancing animated baby? But “A Room of One’s Own” it certainly wasn’t.

Then came those tabloid photos of her necking in an alley with Ringo Starr’s daughter. Then came “Arrested Development.” And then, then came Ellen. Now, I don’t agree with the idea that to be truly happy we must pull a “Jerry Maguire” and find The One who completes us. But I do believe that love can open your heart to what is most important in life.

And, make no mistake, these days Portia knows exactly what is most important in life. In a great cover story for The Advocate, she talks extensively about what matters most to her.

“Maybe by sharing my life, I can make people more aware of how important gay marriage is.” Is that more important to her than acting? “Of course,” she answers immediately. “Actors come and go. Characters come and go. TV shows come and go. While acting is entertaining, for me personally, it’s a little empty….My career is only a part of my life, and it’s certainly not what I think I was born to do.”

So what was she born to do?

“Ever since Ellen and I got together, I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to actually—God, this sounds corny…” She rolls her eyes at herself, fidgets, and then forges ahead. “Well, I feel like my life can actually kind of stand for something. And I don’t mean that in a self-aggrandizing way, like, ‘Look at me, I can make a difference.’ But I feel like, maybe I get why I’m here.”

Corny? No. Amazing? Yes.

Portia talks about everything: her relationship with Ellen, the fight for gay marriage, her battle with anorexia, her coming out and even her poor vegan cooking skills. Also, did you know she is writing a book? Good God, at this point if you told me she could also juggle while riding a unicycle I wouldn’t be surprised one bit.

So why does she think coming out in Hollywood so important?

“People say, ‘There are lots of openly gay actors.’ And I’m like, who? If everybody I knew that was gay and not being open about it came out, it would make a huge difference to people coming up as young actors in Hollywood. Huge. To producers, to people in casting. I’m sure that when I was with Ellen a lot of people wondered if I could play a straight role convincingly. By having the opportunity, other people can go, ‘Oh, that’s OK. It didn’t kill that show. That was believable.’”

And why is the fight for gay marriage so important?

“I think it’s up to us to save marriage. Up to gay people across the country, seeing as though we’re fighting for it so vehemently. This whole thing has been a wave of excitement and hope, and then it gently falls back into despair. And then it picks us up again. Unfortunately, we’re the ones who have to suffer this—this humiliation, really. There’s kind of a dignity that’s been stripped from us. Gay people are the ones who have to suffer through it—but without it, it won’t change.”

Finally, why was appearing on Oprah so important?

“Being on Oprah was a very surreal moment—to go from being so closeted and so afraid to talk about my sexuality to sitting with my wife, talking about my wedding and how much I love her. To look out at that audience and see most of the audience crying—Oprah was crying! Life can take so many twists and turns. You can’t ever count yourself out. Even if you’re really afraid at some point, you can’t think that there’s no room for you to grow and do something good with your life.”

Like I was saying, a rare and wonderful thing.

p.s. Everyone watch “Better Off Ted.” Portia will make you snort at minimum once per episode. Guaranteed.

(Belated) Naked Lady Monday

Oh, kittens. My apologies for falling asleep last night before finishing my post. I blame all the cheese food products I consumed during my Super Bowl football game eating extravaganza. But, I want to make my absence this morning up to you. How, you ask? Anne Hathaway, I say. Not only is the delightful, pale-skinned, doe-eyed actress endlessly likable, she is steadfastly gay-friendly. In fact, in her cover story for the new British GQ magazine, she reveals that her entire family converted from the Catholic to the Episcopalian church after her brother came out in protest of the former’s anti-gay stance.

She told the magazine:

“The whole family converted to Episcopalianism after my elder brother came out. Why should I support an organization that has a limited view of my beloved brother?”

See, endlessly likable. Also, the lingerie doesn’t hurt.

So, am I forgiven?

My Weekend Crush

In the 82-year history of the Academy Award only four – yes, four – women have been nominated for best director. None – yes, none – have ever won. This is a shameful legacy for an institution that at its core should exalt excellence at its most unadulterated, unbiased form. Artistry knows no gender. But this, of course, is not what has happened. Over the years the awards have been subject to politics and popularity. The winners have been a seemingly endless parade of white men. In 2005, Ang Lee became the first, and so far only, minority to take home the prestigious honor. (That, as if we need reminding, was the year “Crash” stole the award from “Brokeback Mountain.” Boo! Hiss!) This year Lee Daniels becomes only the second black filmmaker to be nominated for best director. Clearly, Oscar has a long way to go.

But this year, in a race with two historic nominees, it’s the woman who just might finally break into the exclusive boys clubs. Make no mistake, “Precious” is a wonderful film filled with rich portrayals and strong stories. But when it comes to sheer visceral energy and grand passionate filmmaking, no movie matched “The Hurt Locker” this year. Kathryn Bigelow is, quite simply, a great director. Not a great female director, though she is one. But just an amazing auteur. Throughout her career she has made intense, heart-pounding fare that defies expectations. Women make movies about falling in love, the conventional wisdom goes. Well, sure, some do. Others make movies about sky-diving, Presidential mask-wearing surfers who rob banks on the side. Look, there’s nothing wrong with making movies about love, but that’s clearly not all we can do.

So this year, when they open the envelope and say “And the Oscar goes to…” let them finally right 82 years of folly by saying “Kathryn Bigelow.” Show the boys how it’s done, Kathryn. Happy weekend, all.

Get Real

Speak of the devil. Mention “The L Word” and up pops Mama Chaiken.

In two quotes to emmys.com, Ilene Chaiken reminds us why her creations both enthrall and enrage. Talking with the magazine about her new spin-off reality series, “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” which is expected to launch this summer. The show has been cast and already begun filming in all the gayest of nooks and crannies around LA.

So why did IFC want to create TRLW: LA?

“When The L Word ended, I received so much feedback from fans who wanted more and, really, the show could have gone on and on. Doing the reality show is a logical continuation of the storytelling and a fresh way to circle back to it seamlessly without taking a year off.”

And why will it succeed?

“There’s nothing else on television that tells these stories and continues to shatter stereotypes. We can delve into issues that we could only scratch the surface on in the scripted show.”

So, essentially, she thinks she has us by the short and curlies.

Now, call me dense (many have), but it seems to me you can delve into any and all issues on a scripted show because it is just that, scripted. You write it, you control what issues you talk about, you decide what issues get addressed. You, you, you. But on reality shows, the real people dictate what issues get touched upon, what issues they talk about, what issues they address. They, they, they.

There is no limit to creativity. There are limits to reality. They’re called facts. Crazy, I know.

As for the reality series as a “logical continuation of the storytelling,” I also beg to differ. But at least it’s more logical than sending Alice to prison.

Oh, Ilene. The thing is you know that we’re so starved for representation that anything larger than a crumb will feel like cake. But I fail to see how going to a genre known for hot tub hookups and barroom brawls will “shatter stereotypes.” Also, I claim 11 minutes in the “How Long Will it Take for a Cast Member to Get Naked” pool.

Though, that’s the only kind of pool I’d suggest in connection to the show. If Ilene puts a real one in it’s going to be an awfully short season, what with all the unexplained drownings and all.

Red delicious

Look, I know things probably don’t end well here. While I haven’t seen the French film “Nathalie” on which “Chloe” is based, I’m aware that the various couplings the characters find themselves entwined in are not – shall we say – ideal. But at this exact moment, none of that matters. Nor does the 25 year age difference between Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore. Nor do the probably less than good intentions behind these actions. Nope, mostly what matters is that these new production stills of Amanda and Julianne together are gorgeous. Delicious. Magnificent. Open thesaurus, point to “drool.”

The longer “The L Word” is off the air, the more I realize how much I crave lesbian content. Any kind of content. Even the kind of content where a long-term lesbian couple faces mid-life troubles when one partner begins an affair with a man content. This makes me feel a little sad for me. But mostly, it makes me sad for our entertainment landscape. I mean, is “The Real L Word” really all we have to look forward to on the horizon? Deep sigh. Man, I should really start watching “Skins.” Or just move to Britain.

Tank Top Tuesday: Oscar Edition

Say hello to the only time of the year that a tiny bald man gets me hot and bothered. Yes, it’s Oscar time. This morning the nominations were released and many deserving films (and a few undeserving ones) were honored as the year’s best. An unprecedented 10 movies are up for Best Picture. Though, we all know it’s a horse race between the giant blue Smurfs of “Avatar” and the explosive soldiers of “The Hurt Locker.” But enough about that, how about those ladies? All of the actresses have proven their talent through their marvelous performance this year. And, just as important, they all look fantastic in a tank top (or darn close to tank tops). What? Just because the Academy Awards are prestigious doesn’t mean I can’t be shallow. Happy Tuesday, you magnificent Oscar nominees, you.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”Carey Muligan, “An Education”

Gaborey Sibide, “Precious”Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Penelope Cruz, “Nine”Vera Farmiga , “Up in the Air”

Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”Mo’Nique, “Precious”And, lest we forget, Best DirectorKathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker”

Kick those boys’ asses, Kathryn.