Lindsay Lohan

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Lindsay Lohan

Stop trying to make fetch happen

So last night while attempting to watch and understand my first episode of “Pretty Little Liars” (admittedly, jumping into a “Scooby-Doo with lesbians who aren’t Velma” teen mystery show in its second season is a little tricky), I saw an ad for an abomination. As in hell fire, eternal damnation, do not pass go do not collect $200 abomination. Why is there a “Mean Girls 2?” What fuckery is this? The direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2004 film that lacks a) original star Lindsay Lohan, b) original writer or co-star Tina Fey or c) any of the stars, story or – from the more than bland trailer – sophisticated sensibilities of the original. Boo, you whore! After a little research, I found out that Tina wisely declined (repeatedly) to be involved in any sequel shenaniganery. Instead lesbian director Melanie Mayron (the red-head from “thirtysomething”) directed the whole thing. For shame. As I was saying, an abomination.

So to cleanse the palate of such horrors (why, Disney, why must you resurrect something that was perfect and turn it into a Frankenstein monster no one wants?), let’s just celebrate the original. Watching it for the first time in the theater I discovered that a) this Lindsay Lohan girl can act, I hope she grows up nicely, b) this Tina Fey person can do a lot more than tell jokes behind a desk, I want to go to there and c) this movie is like “Heathers” for another generation, but in an amazing non-derivative way. You go, Glen Coco.

“Mean Girls 2” doesn’t even go here.

p.s. The original also gave us this Tina Fey in her bra. No sequel could ever improve on that. Ever.

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her

How do we solve a problem like Lindsay Lohan? How do you catch her career and stop its fall? How do you find the words to make her understand that she needs to change, once and for all? The spectacle that has become Lindsay Lohan is well documented. And by now everyone has processed and over processed her impending 90-day jail sentence (followed by a 90-day rehab stint, for good measure).

Her case, life, fame stands as an unfortunate testament to our times. It both irks and intrigues me that we spend so much of our waking lives discussing, critiquing and analyzing her every foible. And in the end, it just makes me sad.

I know not everyone feels this way, and I know much of her predicament is entirely of her own making, still I feel genuinely sorry for Lindsay. Sure, she seeks out this spotlight herself. Sure she blames others for her own mistakes. But she is so young and, as her continual shenanigans attest, so immature. I feel about Lindsay the same way I feel about Amy Winehouse or Courtney Love. I take no joy in seeing the on-again, off-again freight train of crazy that has become their lives. Fair or unfair, I feel worse for those stars whose lives have become a public circus when they are indeed truly talented. And Lindsay, back in her “Mean Girls” days, was indeed truly talented.

So I take no pleasure in her pain. I feel no schadenfreude at her sobs. When did we become a society that roots against the best in others? Instead, as I’ve said before, I find myself in the odd situation of wanting to be shield her publicly from her critics while scolding her privately for squandering that abilities.

Certainly, many of her past actions can’t be applauded. Drinking and driving is wrong, period. Taking Abusing drugs is bad, period. Missing court-appointed dates is stupid, period. But we don’t become the people we become in a vacuum. Look at the nightmares that are her parents – a father who cares more about seeing his face on TV than his daughter’s well-being; a mother who cares more about being a best friend that what it means to truly be a mother. And if she indeed has an addiction, that is something else entirely. Those aren’t excuses, just maybe explanations.

In the end, I think only Lindsay can solve the problem of Lindsay. Perhaps those days in jail, however many they end up being (because, believe me, it won’t be all 90), will be a time enough to really reflect. Perhaps, instead of writing “fuck u” on her fingernails to the world, she will think, “How did I fuck this all up?” Perhaps she will see that only she can stop herself from being an unfortunate headline and start being the promising actress we first met and were charmed by, all those years ago. I want to be charmed by Lindsay Lohan again. I want to see her act again. I want to root for her. If only she’d let me.