How to get Bitch Slapped

Expectations are a hell of a thing. Set them too high, and you will almost always be disappointed. Set them too low, and you’ll end up owning three copies of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” So when it comes to “Bitch Slap,” I would like to help shape your expectations to facilitate maximum enjoyment during your viewing experience.

[For maximum enjoyment of this post, click images to embiggen.]

1. Expect to see a lot of cleavage.

2. Expect the plot to be convoluted.

3. Expect there to be an extended slo-mo water fight for no apparent reason.

4. Expect to learn more euphemisms for female genitalia than you ever knew existed.

5. Expect your enjoyment to increase with the number of drinks and/or lesbians and/or drinks with lesbians that accompany your viewing.

“Bitch Slap” is not a great film, but it is 100 minutes with three smokin’ hot ladies in really tight clothing doing sexy, ridiculous or violent things to each other – often all at once. So, you know, better than “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Considerably. I actually found I enjoyed it more the second time I watched it. And I really, really enjoyed some scenes more the second (and third, perhaps even fourth) time I watched them.

Check AfterEllen.com for my comprehensive, though no less cleavagey, review in the coming days. Until then, did I mention there was a lot of cleavage? This is a point I feel cannot be understated.

My Weekend Crush

I didn’t go to my prom. There are several reasons for this including but not limited to I didn’t believe in them, I broke out into hives at the thought of wearing a fancy dress and I wasn’t asked. Instead, I drove around that night with a friend and said snarky things about the people who were in prom. I’m pretty sure we had more fun. But, even back then, I never begrudged anyone’s right to go to prom. And I feel the exact same way, if not more so, today. If you want to go to prom, you should get to go to prom.

Which, of course, leads me to the plight of Mississippi teenager Constance McMillen. By now you’ve hopefully heard her story. The 18-year-old Itawamba County Agricultural High School student made national headlines last week because she asked her school if she could wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend to the prom. I know! What year does she think this is? 2010? The school said no (they have a policy against same-sex dates at prom – since they rightfully know it’s actually 1910). Then Constance asked the ACLU to politely show them the correct date on the calendar. But instead of just letting her wear what she wanted and slow dance to Taylor Swift songs with whom she wanted, school administrators canceled the whole damn prom. That’ll show the gays! No one can dance now! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [Insert hand-wringing and/or stroking of a white cat.]

Now that this sort of close-minded, intolerance still exists should not come as a surprise to anyone. But that more young people like Constance are standing up to it and not accepting inequality as a status quo anymore is inspiring. Constance didn’t just ask one person for permission and leave with her tail between her legs when she was told no. She went to the vice principal, to the principal, to the district attorney, to the superintendent and ultimately to the school board. Then she contacted the ACLU. And now the ACLU has filed a lawsuit in an attempt to get prom back for everyone.

So what gave this 18-year-old the strength to take on an entire school district? She told Michelangelo Signorile on his radio show:

“I am proud of who I am, regardless if I’m different... I decided maybe I could make a change, not just for me but for future generations of kids.”

Of course, the school’s cowardly decision has made things even more difficult for Constance. This is a small town in Mississippi, after all. And, well, it’s high school. She said since prom was canceled she thinks about 70 percent of the school had turned against her, making her the villain.

Luckily, there have also been supporters, too. Constance has a Facebook fan page with more than 360,000 supporters. And the celesbians are fans, too. Wanda Sykes invited Constance and her girlfriend to attend the GLAAD awards. Cat Cora (herself a Mississippi native) issued a statement and offered to make an appearance at prom. And Ellen DeGeneres is having Constance on her show today.

But this isn’t really about star power of media appearances. This is about the power of one person with the courage, determination and eloquence to know her cause is just and not let anyone tell her any different. As Constance told Signorile:

“Just because you are different for some reason, you don’t have to put up with that. I want people to understand that they don’t have to put up with it, and you should stand up for yourself.”

Life is so complicated, yet so simple. We all want to be happy, to feel loved. We all want to be accepted, to be equal. Those who fight against our most basic humanity, our simplest needs, complicate things endlessly. But, thanks to people like Constance, perhaps more people will realize how needlessly it is complicated, too. What she wants isn’t radical. In fact, it’s downright traditional. As she told the AP:

“I want my prom experience to be the same as all of the other students, a night to remember with the person I'm dating.”

See, simple. Thanks for the reminder, Constance. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. If you want to warm the cockles of your heart even more, check out Autostraddle’s outrageously adorable Lesbian Prom Gallery. It’s so fucking cute it almost makes me wish I’d gone to my prom. Almost.

Tina Fey Thursday

Yes, I am a broken record. But I am a broken record playing perhaps the best songs in the world. So, even if you hear it a million times, you’ve still got to like that tune. And with that, hey, did you see Tina Fey in Esquire? Now, every time (I mean it – every. single. time.) I read an interview with her I am reminded exactly why I love her so fucking much. Obviously, she is attractive (though in a refreshingly non-paint-by-numbers way), but I love that she is mostly celebrated because she is so damn smart and so damn funny. This is the exact opposite of why many women make it into the pages of a magazine like Esquire. Most women get celebrated for their looks and then if she happens to have a brain or a sense of humor in that pretty little head, bonus!

Tina’s Esquire cover story (more like a series of her quotes – no wonder I love it so) is a fun read. So, um, just read the whole thing. Here is a sampling of her best bits.

On agreeing to the “Tina Gone Wild” photoshoot:

The idea of the photo shoot is something like my wild night out. The irony being that I don’t do that. I got an e-mail [from Esquire] with a list of the potential setups, and my e-mail back was like, Well, I need to decline being handcuffed to a bed. I won’t straddle anyone. I won’t make out with a cop. There are certain things, I totally get them as a premise. And they’re all good fun, and if I were a young single model, they would be appropriate, but, you know, I’m a mom. And my kid’s going to find this someday. I don’t want to be handcuffed to a bed in Esquire. What are you nuts? I’m not going to make out with a cop that I’m handcuffed to. I got to get my kid into kindergarten. I guess that’s more of a Montessori way of learning, when they handcuff you to things.

On what she wants women going into comedy to know:

One, you don’t have to be weird of quirky to get your job done. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it’s the truth.

On the advice she gave at a girls’ school commencement:

If you find yourself two years from now at spring break, don’t lift your shirt up. And if you do, have your own camera. The foolishness is that there’s some disgusting middleman. They’re your boobs. At least have the sense to film it yourself and get some money from it.

On how she got interested in comedy:

…because I wasn’t the pretty girl in middle school, and I was trying to figure out if there was another move besides going super-all-the-way nerd. It didn’t occur to me to be the slutty girl because there were no takers.

On being a “thinking-man’s” sex symbol:

What I've come to realize is that when people say, ‘The thinking man’s whatever’ — there’s no such thing. The thinking man also wants to fuck Megan Fox.

On the best doughnuts in the world:

That’s Peter Pan doughnuts in Brooklyn. We shot nearby once for “30 Rock.” It’s white cream-filled power doughnut. And, I really believe, when I first tried it, if I had a penis, I would put it in this doughnut. I finally understand what you guys are thinking about and what motivates you guys.

On 4-year-old daughter Alice’s career aspirations:

(She) has a pretend hair and nail salon, and I was doing her hair and makeup, I said, “Hello ma’am. What’s your name? And what do you do?” And she said, “I get paid to dance at parties.”And I said, “Oh, no. That’s a terrible, terrible answer.”

See, now isn’t that a song you could dance to forever?

It’s been seven hours and 7,304 days

This week marks the 20th anniversary of Sinéad O’Connor’s breakthrough album “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got.” This news makes me feel a lot of things, nostalgic and old are the two of them. Crap, my copy of this CD is 20 years old? But what it really makes me feel like is those two lonely tears that fell defiantly down her face in “Nothing Compares U 2.”

Of course a tear can signify many things: joy, loss, grief. For Sinéad what I primarily feel is loss. Because on this is one fucking amazingly talented woman. And she is nowhere to be found on the musical landscape right now. It’s hard to quantify what makes Sinéad so spectacular. Her voice, of course. Her rebellion, naturally. And her honesty, to a fault.

Some of the reason she has disappeared from our collective conscience are of her own doing. She was kooky. She was a priest. She was a lesbian. She was not a lesbian. But others are of our own doing – or undoing, as the case may be.

While others may feel differently, I’ve never harbored any ill will toward her tearing up of the picture of the pope. First, it’s a picture. Second, she had a point. The church was covering up sexual abuse. That she was before her time in sounding the alarm should be commended, not condemned. But I am not here to talk about politics or religion or belief systems. Instead, I want to celebrate raw talent.

Because that is what Sinéad is best at, being raw. She shines when she opens her mouth and lets the truth wail out, be it uncomfortable or tragic, joyous or confessional. While “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got” is her most famous album (and a real beauty that still holds up, two decades later), those of you who stopped paying attention to the striking bald lady with the big beautiful eyes and even bigger voice shortly after it missed her next great album: “Faith & Courage.”

Released 10 years ago, it is a more hushed but no less truthful snapshot of an artist in full. This album is gorgeous. Her voice, the lyrics, the melodies. Gorgeous. And if you think her lesbian conversion was just a publicity stunt, listen to “Emma’s Song.” Something there was real, even if it wasn’t handled well outwardly.

Sinéad spoke with Entertainment Weekly briefly about her 20th anniversary and revealed that she is releasing a new studio album soon. I think I’ll give it a try. Because, above all else, that lady can just flat-out fucking sing. And we should never forget that.

Also, if you’ve never heard Sinéad cover Cole Porter’s “You Do Something to Me,” consider this my St. Patrick’s Day gift to you.

“Look at those fried green tomatoes”

So, on Friday, I wrote a strongly worded letter to Florida telling them to stick their tax credit ban on movies with gay characters where the Sunshine State don’t shine. In the process of writing that post, I started thinking about my favorite movies with gay characters. And, because I still couldn’t shake the Florida thing, I also started thinking about the time while driving down to the Sunshine State I made a special pit stop in Juliette, GA to visit the Whistle Stop Café. And that’s where the gay characters/Florida connection all came together and I started to think about “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Convoluted? Yes. Just how my brain works? You betcha.

Now, I know I’m not alone in the soft, warm spot I have in my heart for this film. I claim it as one of ours, even though the movie never explicitly spells it out. (The book, naturally, is a tad more direct.) So Idgie and Ruth will always be one of my favorite lesbian movie couples. Always. I can quote whole swaths of it verbatim. I’m sure you can, too. How about we quote some together?

Now, little tomboy Idgie Threadgoode is adorable. And then older tomboy Idgie is pretty cute, too. But things really don’t get good until Idgie tells Ruth never. And as we all know, you never say never to Ruth Jamison. And then, then we get to the bees.

“You’re just a bee charmer, Idgie Threadgoode. That’s what you are, a bee charmer.”To this day, I think one of the highest complements you can give a gal is to call her a bee charmer.

Idgie: “You’re gettin’ married?”
Ruth: “As soon as the summer’s over... Oh, am I gonna miss you.”

Good God, if you can’t read that subtext you are beyond help.

“If you ever touch her again, I’ll kill you.”All valiant butches will be judged against the valor of this moment. Also, this outfit. Thank you, Mary Stuart Masterson.

“She’s trying to teach me how to cook!”

My first girlfriend and I would quote this scene back and forth. I still can’t cook, but we sure had some fun trying.

“Believe me when I tell you, I don't want you to move out.”This is maintext, people. MAINTEXT.

“Go on you ol’ Bee Charmer, tell me a good tall tale.”This always makes me weepy. I even get a little melancholy sometimes looking at ducks on a lake. I am, however, very happy that Mary-Louise Parker has progressed to the point in her career where she no longer has to die heroically in every movie.

So, there you have it, a lovely jaunt down memory lane courtesy the idiot legislators in Florida. But remember, Florida, if you won’t listen to reason, there is always Towanda.

Sarah smile

Sarah Shahi will be back on our TVS for at least 12 episodes next season. I think we should all take a moment to acknowledge that whatever else is wrong with the world – and there is a lot beginning with and not limited to war, poverty, injustice, greed – in this one relatively insignificant area the universe actually got things very, very right. Sarah Shahi needs to be on our televisions. Now, admittedly, I didn’t watch “Life” as regularly as I probably should have (especially considering it got canceled). But I always felt better about the universe knowing, if I wanted to, I could change the channel and see her there. It’s comforting to know someone that how is only a click away (yes, yes DVDs – but new, fresh, shiny).

At this point half of you are like, well, tell me about this new show and the other half are like, um, show don’t tell. So I’ll attempt to do both. Sarah’s USA series, “Facing Kate,” has been picked up by USA for an 11 episode order in addition to its 90-minute pilot.In the series, Sarah plays Kate Reed, “a top litigator who, frustrated with the bureaucracy and injustice she witnesses in legal system, decides to become the ultimate anti-lawyer: a mediator.” Now, regrettably, as a mediator there will be considerably less call for her to wear (or, more accurately, not wear) something like this.

But, on the plus side, there will probably be considerably more call for her to wear something like her smart girl glasses. One door closes, another one opens.

Also, this seems like the perfect opportunity to bring some of Sarah’s more suit-inclined (suit-able? Oh, puns) co-stars in for guest appearances. Now, the obvious first choice is Kate Moennig. Looks great in a suit. Looks great with Sarah. And, what could be more appropriate? Sarah spent two seasons on “The L Word” facing Kate.

But there’s also a dark horse contender I didn’t even consider until certain photographic evidence came to light. I find it irrefutable.

See, sometimes, just sometimes, the universe smiles down on us.

My Weekend Crush

If Lady Gaga didn’t exist, we’d be hard-pressed to invent anything remotely close to her. At this moment, she just might be the most fabulous weirdo on the planet. Unquestionably queer, unforgettably fun, she is part disco ball, part performance art and part circus sideshow. Her songs fill me with the simple, unmistakable joy of pop music. In short, she makes me want to dance – hard. But more than just a pusher of dance floor delights, Gaga has elevated her performances to an otherworldly experience. Even if you’re not a fan, you have to admit she is never dull. And now with the premiere of “Telephone,” she has us squirming like happy puppies in the palm of her hand. Think of the last video you were this excited/curious/impatient to see. And the lady did not disappoint. Women in prison! Gaga kissing girls! Crime scene tape in lieu of clothing! Crudely named lesbian dating sites! The Pussy Wagon! Cigarette sunglasses! Dick jokes! Murder! Dancing! Thelma & Louise without the cliff! Beyon-FUCKING-cé! They say truth is stranger than fiction. And Lady Gaga is stranger than truth, in the best way possible. Happy weekend, all.

[Click to enjoy in big, glorious high-def.]