Fairly illegal

We interrupt this week’s very deep, very important discussion about women’s roles in the media, equal rights, childhood and mortality to stare open-mouthed at Sarah Shahi. I don’t. I can’t. What were we talking about again? Right, important things. Inclusion. Power. Representation. Oh my God, is she not wearing anything under her tank top?

OK, no, sorry. Bechdel Rule. ERA. Feminism. Women telling their own stories. Women reaching the highest public offices. Women breaking glass ceiling. Women rolling around on plush couches. Hold on, where did that come from?

Focus, focus. Did you know the Republican-led House is trying to redefine rape? (UPDATE: They dropped the “forcible rape” crap, but the bill still sucks.) Yes, a body of government with 435 men and 79 women is going to tell all 155.6 million women in the United States what kind of sexual assault counts. That’s unconscionable. That’s infuriating. That’s definitely something I’m going to write a strongly worded letter about. Right after I brush my teeth ….

Or sit in a chair….

Or stare out a window….

Look, Sarah Shahi. You’re being very distracting being all hot like fire in this new Vanity Fair Esquire Me In My Place photospread. (Damn, this photoshoot is so hot I’m too discombobulated to even get the magazine right.) [Oh, and click any image to enlarge, not that you’d be interested in that kind of thing.]I’m trying to maintain righteous indignation and that’s impossible to do when I’m ogling your, um, area…region…fine, DAT ASS.

All that and you’re kind of perfect. You sleep in just a T-shirt – and flannel sheets. You appreciate a pinch on the ass. You are a little dangerous on tequila. You love that your “Fairly Legal” billboards are catching guys and girls attention. And your goal in life isn’t to win an Oscar, but to have a house with a big library. And not just any library, “a giant Harry Potter library. That's what I want. If I can have a house that can have that kind of a library in it, then I feel like I've made it. I just want nothing but plush couches and a huge shaggy carpet and a fireplace with a bar in that room, and then books — floor-to-ceiling. That's what I want.”

Holy. Fuck. Hell. I’m sorry, tomorrow I’ll return to fight the good fight. Today I’m going to gaze hungrily at my computer screen while fantasizing about serving Sarah Shahi tequila as she’s laying on a plush couch in only her T-shirt and reading from our gigantic Harry Potteresque library together. Yeah, reading. That’s what we’ll be doing.